I don’t know how to love
I see so many examples but still my mind body and soul just can’t relate
It seems so genuine and pure so natural so demure
But I can’t

I’m trying to, I think, but how would I know love means
How does one even conceptualize such?
it’s hard trying to display affection
The hand holding the hugs, the kisses,
I just can’t!

Ba... I stop because now I’m cringed out
I love, love in secret but hate it in public.
Hypocrite!
I know deep down I want it, I want Intentional Tenderness
I want to accept it
I want that brick wall to be detonated so I can frolic in that feeling which I can’t recall tasting Wanting THIS is nonsensical
“Why do I want this so bad?” “But why wouldn’t I?”

“I’m scared!” that’s the truth “I’m scared of giving my all while I’m met with nothing but garnished scraps”
I’m scared to always be available for that “girl, I need you” text and when
my coffer runs dry and I can’t find a balm for my healing I’m met with a text “hey Hun I can’t right now”
This is when reality sets in
Maybe, I gave too much
Why am I so gullible?
My warm palatable heart is a refuge in sorrow where your heart can turn to its rest but my heart should just look out for itself?!?!
HELL NO!
I rather be alone!

How, can you, love me, but hurt me so badly
BUT
How do I love when I ignore the one who loves me most?
You know what he said to me “I will never leave you or forsake you’
“Yeah right” I thought
“Wait, is he serious?” then you want to know what he did
He proved it
I cannot fathom why he would want to do that for me
I can’t promise to love him back I mean, how would I?
(internal monologue) “I don’t know how to love! or do I
“maybe I should try being vulnerable”, “ for another person to hurt me?”
Some say “make your own path to love?!” “to end up like a train wreck
Maybe this isn’t for me . I thought , but I’m done rehearsing heart break before it happens.